my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
