i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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