look no pants
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
