just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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