Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
