Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
