Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
