i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
