I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
