it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
