apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
