You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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