fuck your aforementioned shoe
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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