meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
