Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
