Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
