Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
