I just pynch a tree in the face
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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