I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
