Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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