They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
