You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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