My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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