my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Randomize
