Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
