I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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