This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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