So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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