there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
