So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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