Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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