Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
