Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
