i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
