my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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