Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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