Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
