So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
