I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
