I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
