You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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