Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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