Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
