Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
