I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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