Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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