Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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