Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
