Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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