I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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