sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
