You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
