Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And my parents said I crawled through the house
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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